Several ways NOT to apologise

There are many kinds of apologies. Some even involve being sorry.

Others are:

• The passive-aggressive apology
  If any hysterical little crybaby has been offended by my recent statement of the true facts of the 5G hoax, I apologise sincerely to all concerned
• The system worked apology
  I apologise sincerely to all concerned for the club’s involvement in chattel slavery during the 1960s, but have to point out that our willingness to admit to past sins is greatly to our credit and shows our very real superiority over all the other clubs
• The scapegoat apology
  The Dirtcheap Poisons Dumping Company is sincerely sorry that the 300,000 tons of ammonia stored in its East Sunshine facility exploded and blew a crater in the suburb, and stern action will be taken by the company against nightwatchman Ern Parsons (who was entirely responsible for every aspect of this accident) should any part of him be recovered
• The dear dead days apology
  The Evangelical Orphanage Board acknowledges that attitudes to children have developed further over many generations in the direction of not flogging three-year-olds with birches and concedes that the attitudes of the distant past may require modification in our new litigious era, but asks the public to understand that attitudes were very different in 2016
• The what’s the fuss apology
  The Council has apparently been criticised for accepting a no-tender bid from Mr. Whiteshoes for the sale of the sports oval, and if wanting to save ratepayers needless administrative expense counts as ‘corruption’ then we can only ‘apologise’.

• The apology your lawyers drafted
  If it is in fact proved in court that I murdered seven hitchhikers, which is not conceded, I apologise sincerely to all concerned for the misunderstanding.

If you actually are sorry – and I know this sounds crazy – it would help if you included something that had a point.

• Say “I was (or we were) wrong. You were right.”
• Say “We’re working to make you whole, and to compensate you for what you suffered.”
• Say “The people responsible will be penalised.”

Otherwise, shut your cakehole and cop the consequences.